Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!