I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
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Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!