Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
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Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail