one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone