Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
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Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Ovenable?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Tough love is true love
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns