I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.