I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
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Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.