When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
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Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?