The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.