Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn鈥檛 actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph鈥檚 recital
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Man: You鈥檙e killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain鈥檛 nothing but mammals?
Me: so let鈥檚 do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don鈥檛 want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
馃檶馃徎馃槀馃槀馃槶馃ぃ
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Wouldn鈥檛 it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN鈥橳 get all excited at her boyfriend鈥檚 games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[First date]
Date: so you鈥檙e profile said you鈥檙e a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount