When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
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[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
giddy up Office Depot
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”