Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here
Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza