I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
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If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
dude it’s called proctologist
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.