My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.