My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
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They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg