If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
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[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.