My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
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Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Simple
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I cannot call her anything else now
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.