My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
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I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
🤭😂
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie