Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
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Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
*bites zombie*
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?