Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Knock Knock