“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
…żyje?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
This chloroform smells expensiv…
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.