Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
You Might Also Like
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
secret recipe
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
It’s the weekend y’all
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
you stereotypes are all alike
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”