The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
You wish you had this many chins.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
6. me as a lawyer
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.