Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
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Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold