If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.