IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
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My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?