HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church