When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
my first day as a raccoon
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
the short answer to this question
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.