Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
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if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.