Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]