*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
happy valentine’s day to me
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers