[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
You Might Also Like
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.