Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
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Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.