I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
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Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Guantanamo Bae
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.