Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
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Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Well, shit
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
how long have you had this for?