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ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.