Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
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I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
the simulation is moving too fast
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!