Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
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abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The Struggle
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.