SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
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They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”