GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
You Might Also Like
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]