Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
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My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
kids play hide and seek like
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.