This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I WON A HAM TODAY
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
live, laugh, laundry.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
i dont have time for this
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
I’m Sold!