If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
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WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“How’s your day going?”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.