SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
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Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.