hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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lumberjacks will cut a birch
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.