Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
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Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.