That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet