Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
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Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
I’ve been learning to cook.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.