Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
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