[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
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overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I can’t stop watching this.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*